In Memory

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I wrote about this 2 years ago with a post of the same title

At that time I has lost 3 children in very early pregnancy. Since then I have lost one more. We are coming up on what would have been her first birthday.

Amenyah Zuriel 2/13/2008

truly YHWH, God is my strength

She might have been the hardest in many ways. I was far enough a long that we had had opportunity to tell all our family and friends, to tell the girls, to have enough time to really get excited. It meant a lot of phone calls and really hard conversations. Despite that though I was glad we had told so many people. We had gotten to celebrate her life and we weren't isolated in our mourning. It was just two days before my second daughter's second birthday so life couldn't stop. There was another child to celebrate. A child with bright blue eyes and dimples who gives the most amazing hugs. There is nothing quite like life to make you forget the sting of death.

I believe in the Holy Shores of Uncreated Light.

I believe there is power in the Blood.

And all of the death there ever was, if you sat it next to life;

I believe it would barely fill a cup.

For I believe there's power in the blood.

~Andrew Peterson, "Lay Me Down"

Since losing Amenyah we have had the joy to celebrate the birth of another little girl. Three girls now! That's what we tell people when they ask how many children we have. But in my heart my answer is 7. Noa, Chaim, Itiel, and Amenyah are all as much my children as the three playing next to my desk. I feel like I know them. And one day I will meet them. There was a hymn that I sung over and over again to myself and my children after losing Amenyah. And that my church was kind enough to sing the following Sunday as well.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul, It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul, It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

There is a beautiful recording of it here.

After losing Amenyah we found out that my progesterone levels were dropping too early in pregnancy and that was why (most likely) I had lost Chaim, Itiel, and Amenyah. It was very easy to find out and fix (with the diagnosis and help of a reproductive endocrinologist) and required no major intervention or anything else in order to see the birth of our most recent child. Which is wonderful, but doesn't change that we lost them. Most people who know people who have lost babies early in pregnancy don't really know what to say I don't think. They want to help, they want to be comforting but they just don't know where to begin. Some families prefer not to talk about it, which is fine. But many people appreciate a hug, and a simple "I am so sorry." Don't try and make it easier with things like "at least is was early" or "there must have been something wrong with the embryo". Although these statements might have some truth, they don't help. Just let her be sad. Offer a meal, or to watch her other children if she has any. Miscarriages are often very hard physically and you need a chance to recoup. After losing Noa I bought a Memorial Tear necklace. I wear it when I am thinking about them a lot. Often around loss dates or due dates. Considering getting one for someone who has lost a baby, there is something comforting about having something tangible. And if you see them wearing it know that they might need an extra hug that day.